bringingupboy

Becoming a mom changed my perspective on a lot of things. I see the world differently; I understand the world differently. Things that used to matter don’t matter any more. And things I never thought about cross my mind daily.

I go to parks to watch my son play on the slide and to push him on the swings. It’s no longer where I go to relax- escape from the world.

The sole purpose of the pool is no longer to lay on a lawn chair and tan my skin. It’s a wondrous, amazing, dangerous world. An adventure for my two year old.

I see the world in a different light. I see it through the eyes of a child and it is beautiful.

I see it with “parent eyes” and it is terrifying. Terrifying and beautiful all at the same time.

This time of year has always been magical. The calm, quiet of the snow falling outside; the shining white lights of the Christmas tree, reflecting off the window; counting your blessings and being grateful for each and everyone of them.

Christmas time is so special, it always has been but even more-so now. Such a time to reflect on our beliefs; on our savior who was born of a virgin.

This time of year now- now that I’m a mom- is even more beautiful and magical and heartbreaking.

I find my thoughts gravitating towards the story of Jesus’ birth-focusing on Mary.

Mary: sweet, innocent, young Mary.

She was so brave and courageous. So humble and full of humility. I picture myself in her shoes-knowing I am going to give birth to the son of God, the savior of the world. Knowing that I am going to give birth to a tiny baby boy who holds so much responsibility; who is going to die for all of mankind.

As a mother I wonder how she did it. I wonder if she was afraid-or just honored to hold such a responsibility. Was she angry to know that her precious son was to be crucified or did she understand Gods plan for her, for her son? I cannot even begin to comprehend the multitude of emotions she must have felt.  I am so grateful for her example, for her faith.

To have the faith of Mary. . . How would that be?

Becoming a mom changed my perspective on a lot of things. I see the world differently; I understand the world differently. Things that used to matter don’t matter any more. And things I never thought about cross my mind daily. I go to parks to watch my son play on the slide and to push him on the swings. It’s no longer where I go to relax- escape from the world. The sole purpose of the pool is no longer to lay on a lawn chair and tan my skin. It’s a wondrous, amazing, dangerous world. An adventure for my two year old. I see the world in a different light. I see it through the eyes of a child and it is beautiful. I see it with “parent eyes” and it is terrifying. Terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. This time of year has always been magical. The calm, quiet of the snow falling outside; the shining white lights of the Christmas tree, reflecting off the window; counting your blessings and being grateful for each and everyone of them. Christmas time is so special, it always has been but even more-so now. Such a time to reflect on our beliefs; on our savior who was born of a virgin. This time of year now- now that I’m a mom- is even more beautiful and magical and heartbreaking. I find my thoughts gravitating towards the story of Jesus’ birth-focusing on Mary. Mary: sweet, innocent, young Mary. She was so brave and courageous. So humble and full of humility. I picture myself in her shoes-knowing I am going to give birth to the son of God, the savior of the world. Knowing that I am going to give birth to a tiny baby boy who holds so much responsibility; who is going to die for all of mankind. As a mother I wonder how she did it. I wonder if she was afraid-or just honored to hold such a responsibility. Was she angry to know that her precious son was to be crucified or did she understand Gods plan for her, for her son? I cannot even begin to comprehend the multitude of emotions she must have felt. I am so grateful for her example, for her faith. To have the faith of Mary. . . How would that be?

The thought of you was still fairly new.  It must have been December. It was a coldish day-last winter was strange. The sun was trying to peak through but wasn’t succeeding. I had tomatoes soup for lunch and promptly vomited it back up. Nothing new. I had been feeling rather sick this pregnancy. 

But, this day was different. Something was different; something was off.  I called my midwife- feeling pretty silly.

I didn’t have any reason to have these worries, this anxiety. She understood-she always did.

I started the 45 minute drive to the birth center.

“Please let everything be ok”. Was my silent prayer.
“And if it’s not ok, please give me peace”.

I wanted you. I had prayed for you. I loved you already with all of my being-maybe more.  I walked into the building worry showing in my face, I’m sure.

Few words were exchanged, I just wanted to know everything was ok; wanted to hear that little heartbeat to ease my worries. We listened and listened.

“Sometimes it’s hard to find the heartbeat this early” Rebecca told me.

Tears now streaked down my cheeks. I was losing hope. I could tell she was getting a little worried too. I prayed again.

“I WANT this baby. Please let this be”

We moved to the ultra sound machine, I was scared. The warm goopey was spread on my belly, the wand ready. And there you were. Wiggling around your little heart beating strong. I let out a sigh of relief and laughed. Pure joy-that is what that moment was.

I sat in the car staring at the little ultra sound picture. So happy.

“Thank you, thank you for letting HER be ok”. That’s what I said to God.

Her. . .

And I knew, you were a girl. You were my little girl.  And it was our little secret.

You know those moments, the moments that make your heart swell? I have had those moments a lot lately!

Watching my husband with both our babies-seeing how ardently he loves them-is breathtaking. 

But, there is just something to be said about a daddy and his daughter. The way she lights up-really lights up-when she sees him; the way he looks at her and converses with her, it’s something so special.

They seem to understand each other so well. Almost, as if they have known each other for ages. Almost, as if they are old friends. 

Almost.

So I have had one of THOSE Weeks, I’ve been throwing a pretty big pity party for myself today, remember how terrible my week has been.

Sometimes a good ol pity party is just what the doctor ordered! I was terribly ill all week (no really, I didn’t eat or drink for four days). My house turned into a tornado-worse than being hit by one. And I didn’t get tickets to one of my favorite concerts to see in slc.

Right now at this moment, this very moment, I am getting over it all. Maybe because I got to see my brother who I haven’t seen in many months (really more like years, he hasn’t been himself for so long). Maybe because both my little beauties are simultaneously napping (instead of simultaneously screaming).

Or, maybe, it could be that I just looked outside and I have grass!! Real live grass growing in my front yard. Growing rather wildly actually. The grass is green and long and lush.  Beautiful green grass, it’s like spring. Crisp air and aspens I didn’t know exsisted, shining down. Maybe today we are turning a new leaf, isn’t that how the saying goes?

Yes, we are turning a new leaf and it is bright red and radiant.

Pity party begone!